Lord Of The Flies, As Told Through Dear Abby
by Super Sneaky Ninja
Summary: The boys write to Dear Abby, asking for advice. It goes about as well as you'd expect.


Dear Abby;

I'm stranded on an island. Can you send help?

Sincerely, Deserted.

Dear Deserted;

If you are truly stranded on an island, then you might have luck with starting a fire; the smoke can alert airplanes. Now, if your letter was a metaphor of loneliness, then why don't you make friends with similar interests?

* * *

Dear Abby;

A bunch of kids held an election today, because apparently some kids can't survive two minutes on a deserted island. Now, there were two candidates; me, a handsome, intelligent, charismatic guy with tons of ideas, and a lily-livered wanker who can't decide which shoe to put on his left foot. Guess who they choose? That's right, the idiot! I bet they only chose him because he's pretty. What should I do? He's letting me control a small group of kids (to take care of a fire or something. I don't know, I kinda tuned him out), but I want more!

Sincerely, Bloody Ticked Off.

Dear Bloody Ticked Off;

It sounds like you're furious about the election. How about you find creative ways to deal with your anger? Maybe you should draw a picture or write a poem. Alternatively, maybe you should find a more physical outlet-kickboxing and wrestling come to mind.

* * *

Dear Abby;

No one listens to me! They always ignore what I say and wander off to hunt and play. I'm trying to help them get off the island, but they don't realize it! The only ones who listen to me are some fat kid and a crazy guy. What should I do?

Sincerely, Irritated Babysitter.

Dear Irritated Babysitter;

Why don't you call a meeting? Meet in a wide, open space and calmly explain what you expect from them. If you all work together, you can find a solution!

* * *

Dear Abby;

Everyone on this island is an idiot. I'm not saying that because they're all jerks (though they are), I genuinely think that they don't have two brain cells to rub together. Half of them can't even pronounce 'asthma' correctly-they say 'ass-mar,' which doesn't sound politically correct to me. I cry myself to sleep at night because of how stupid they are. To think some of them will grow up and go into Parliament-it's a frightening thought.

Sincerely, Surrounded by Idiots.

Dear Surrounded by Idiots;

I'm sure that not all of them are stupid. Still, why don't you associate with children with similar interests? You will find that you have a lot in common.

* * *

Dear Abby;

Some littleuns are freaking out about this thing called 'the beast.' They said that it stalks the island, looking for victims and watching them while they sleep. I think that it's just Roger watching them sleeping , but when I asked him, he said no. Then he threw sand at me, so I'm not so sure. What should I do? The kids are useless when they're scared, and our idiot leader is all like, "Duuuuuuuuuuh, I dunno." If he wasn't so pretty, I'd have overthrown him by now.

Sincerely, Annoyed and Long-Suffering.

Dear Annoyed and Long-Suffering;

Why don't you try to distract the kids? Have them play a game and assure them that as long as you're there, nothing bad can happen!

* * *

Dear Abby;

Everyone is deserting me! They're leaving me for this weird redhead kid who carries around a spear. I feel so abandoned; the only ones that I have now is the fat kid, the crazy kid, and twins. The fact that I have company should make me feel better, but it doesn't. Trust me, it doesn't.

Sincerely, Sad and Lonely.

Dear Sad and Lonely;

Are you trying to tell me that you broke up with someone? Why are you trying to disguise it?

* * *

Dear Abby;

For some reason, I have the sudden urge to kill everyone on this island. I can't help it-killing pigs is so much fun! Do you have any advice?

Sincerely, Wants To Kill Everyone.

Dear Wants To Kill Everyone;

….Are you sure that therapy is not an option?

* * *

Dear Abby;

I think that this personification of evil is talking to me. It likes flies. And Satan. I'm talking back to it, but the animals are giving me funny looks. Do rabbits have eyebrows? Because I could've sworn that a rabbit raised his eyebrow at me.

Sincerely, Not Crazy.

Dear Not Crazy;

Your pen name is misleading. Please see a doctor.

* * *

Dear Abby;

I lead this mob into beating the everloving crud out of this kid who crawled out from the shadows, and we kinda killed him. And yet, I have no remorse. Is that wrong?

Sincerely, The Great and Powerful Chief.

Dear The Great and Powerful Chief;

I'm scared. I-I don't know if your serious, or this is all some hoax. Should I call the police?

* * *

Dear Abby;

OH MY GOD A BOULDER FELL OUT OF THE SKY AND SQUISHED THE FAT KID, WHYYYYYYY!

Sincerely, Panic at Castle Rock.

Dear Panic at Castle Rock;

_Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! I'm not prepared for this! The others before me never mentioned getting weird letters from psychos!_

* * *

Dear Abby;

THEY'RE TRYING TO KILL MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Sincerely, More Then a Bit Freaked Out.

Dear More Then a Bit Freaked Out;

*Incoherent sobbing*

* * *

Dear Abby;

I picked up a bunch of kids off of an island. They're kind of tramatized, but we're out at sea and there aren't any therapists. What do I do?

Sincerely, Befuddled Officer.

Dear Befuddled Officer;

We're sorry, but Abby is out at the time. Please send your letters at another time.

* * *

_**Author's Notes: Yeaaah, I don't know either. I wrote this for school, re-read it and thought, "Oh, why not? Let's turn this shit into fanfiction." I'm not even a huge fan of LOTF (not trying to bash it or anything), but my FF account was getting dusty. So here, have some crack before I get off my lazy ass and write something else.**_


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